Replacing the Word "Douchebag"

28. June, 2008 | by John Moroney

I’m sitting in a bar, watching my wife Rachaal shamelessly throw herself at my friend Loren. Oh, wait, she just hit him. Better. She actually just told him to “man up and take it.” Hee hee!

At any rate, we’re discussing replacing our favorite word, “douchebag.” What to use? What could possibly replace the phrase of phrases that so perfectly describes half of humanity? We’re using our creative minds to the fullest extent on this one, a.k.a. drinking. Here are our candidates:

Candidates to replace “douchebag”

  • enema bowl
  • bitchbox
  • window-licker
  • cake-eater
  • cock blossom
  • guido (it means something entirely different on the West Coast)
  • anal marble
  • ass-panda

No, we’re not doing this right. The appeal of “douchebag” is that it rolls off the tongue in a two-syllable expectoration of disdain. It’s fun to say. It’s visceral. The great thing about “douchebag” is that it has a certain innocence to it, a lack of murderous aggression.

  • DivaCup (Google it)

Oh, that’s the winner. I can’t beat that.

Yeah, this is how I have chosen to spend my creative energy today . . .