Bitch Kitty Racing

Congratulations! You made it! There is something you should know before you enter a bar, however, to ensure that your transition to American adulthood is as painless as possible for yourself and those around you.

Ready? Here it is: everyone hates you.

I’m serious.

I want you to think of your attitude towards drunk high-schoolers. Your attitude can probably be summed up as something like, “Those bitches don’t know SHIT!” because you’re only twenty-one and you haven’t learned how to speak yet. Those “children” are only three years younger than you.

Ready? Here’s the revelation: everyone in the bar is older and more experienced than you. Everyone thinks you’re an idiot. And here’s another one for you: you’re actually acting like an idiot without knowing it.

In order to be seen as the cool cat or kitten we know you are, here are some tips.

DO NOT scream, “WHOOOO!!!” when you enter the bar, when you exit the bar, or at any point in your life, ever.

DO NOT say to the bartender: “It’s my twenty-first birthday! Where’s my free drink at?” Almost no one gives out free anything anymore, and drunks are a legal liability.

DO have your ID ready, and be prepared to politely thank the bartender for noticing it’s your birthday. You may get a free drink out of this gambit. If so, DO tip the bartender five dollars.

ALWAYS say “please” and “thank you.”

DO tip the bartender at least one dollar per drink per round. If you order three beers, tip at least three dollars every time. If you can’t afford this, stay home.

NEVER tell the bartender that you’ll tip him next time. If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to drink.

NEVER ask the bartender what the cheapest beer is, or what’s on special. If you need to watch your cash like most young people, ask for a drink menu. Asking what is cheap makes you look cheap.

NEVER vomit in public. If you feel sick, get your stupid ass to a bathroom or outside as quickly as possible. If you throw up in a bar, expect the bartender or bouncer to do really bad things to you.

DO listen to the bartender. If he tells you to leave, leave; if he tells you to shut up, shut up; etc . . . Remember: he hates you.

DO NOT give the cocktail waitress your phone number. She hates you, too. She’s only flirting with you to increase her tip. She actually thinks you’re a douche bag, but can’t tell you this and expect to get paid.

DO NOT flirt too heavily with the opposite sex if you’ve been drinking. This is where rejection, crabs, herpes, and babies come from.

DO be quiet. You are much younger than everyone around you, and they think you’re an idiot. This may not be true, but again, think of how you view those in high school, even though they’re only three years younger than you.

DO NOT EVER get incoherently drunk in public. We know this is almost completely unavoidable, but always remember to try and maintain your composure, no matter what. Public drunkenness is the sign of the RFA (rank effing amateur).

DO NOT EVER call the bartender: Slick, Dogg, Homie, Brother, Boss, Chief, Champ, or Sunshine.

DO try to be as polite and respectful as possible to those around you. You will gain the respect and admiration of others very quickly.

And that’s probably more than your tiny little mind can absorb at once. If you really want to be a player, or whateverthehell you kids’re calling it these days, read the article “How to Get Free Drinks in a Bar,” posted here.

We here at Bitch Kitty Racing wish you happy birthday! Use these tips and have a great night.

Oh, and you might want to stash a few condoms on your person, just in case.

Have fun!