Bitch Kitty Racing

The date engineers here at Bitch Kitty Racing have discovered, through much scientific diligence, a furniture marker in singles which clearly indicates the owners’ compatibility.

Anthropology indicates that men and women are different. The sexes have different communications styles, emotional responses, remembrance of pain, etc. While no sweeping generality is scientifically sound, general trends can nonetheless be valid. It would never be correct to say that: “All men just want sex,” or: “All women just want babies,” when the reproductive success of the species depends on procreation, yet current theory indicates trends in mating habits specific to the sexes. For additional information on this subject, please see Dutch Treat and Mate Selection.

So it is with couches and beds. While neither sex will always have a specific piece of furniture of a specific quality, on several research outings our staff has noticed that women generally have better beds than do men, and that men generally have better couches than do women. Better, of course, being a relative term, but here meaning more comfortable and suited to the purpose for which the object was created.

Let’s start with the bed, shall we? The bed purportedly has a single purpose: to forward sleep, yet everyone knows that a large majority of sex takes place in the bed, though one would assume that no one would buy a bed specifically for this purpose, or that Bitch Kitty Racing readers limit their sexual activities to the bedroom.

Certainly not. That’s why they invented the kitchen table.

Research shows that women’s beds are superlatively comfortable places, resplendent in pillow tops, feather beds, extra pillows, linens selected on high thread count, and thick down comforters. Men’s beds tend to be more pragmatic, things like hard twin-sized mattresses with wool blankets, futons, piles of broken cinder blocks, floors, or perhaps the hallway by the front door.

Couches show a reversal of the trend, which can easily be spotted while shopping for said pieces of furniture. When men shop for a couch by themselves, they are invited to lie down on it to make sure it fits, the assumption being that there will be a lot of lying down taking place on the couch. The salesperson knows that all important aspects of the male home life take place here: sports, beer, and sex. The couch is not only the main place to watch les 24 Heures du Mans on le téléviseur while drinking la bière, it is also the place where all men know that any chance of intercourse begins if she comes back to his place. This is the make-out function of the couch, and we’ll come back to it.

When woman shops for a couch she is asked about her décor and presented with a different set of options other than just size, like fabric and color. She is selecting a couch on form, while the male of the species selects a couch on function.

So while the male of the species will walk out having purchased an eighteen-foot black leather sectional, both functional and masculine, the female will leave the store with something that can’t properly be called a couch at all, like a loveseat, divan, or futon sofa (as an aside, it is interesting to note here that the myth of the male being more visually acute than the female is dispelled. No one could possibly think an eighteen-foot black leather sectional looks good).

This is where the make-out angle comes into play and its derivative, the subconscious desire to reproduce, i.e. settle down, is brought into light.

The male couch has excellent make-out functionality. It’s large, spacious, and can easily accommodate two in a variety of positions, assuming it isn’t actually leather off which the occupants would comedically slide (tactilely, leather is also the second unsexiest material on the list of unsexy materials on which to place the naked, heated human skin; it’s too sticky, and becomes slimy and cold when wet. Vinyl is, of course, the worst). All sorts of sexual activity can take place on the male couch, from foreplay to intercourse.

However, the couch is not really designed for sleeping. Once playtime is over, it’s also closer to the door.

Making out on her couch is a different experience all together. The divan has no back so the occupants fall off. The loveseat is too small to allow freedom of movement. The futon sofa has a cant to it that crushes both occupants to the inside. Making out properly is nearly impossible on these devices, so the lovers wind up on the floor in self defense.

“Hey,” she finally says. “This floor is really hard. Why don’t we hop into my superlatively comfortable bed?” There is a deeper intensity of feeling in the bedroom, of intimacy. He knows that an invitation to the bedroom is very close to an invitation to spend the night. Animally, it’s like an invitation to nest, and the more comfortable the nest, the more likely the occupants will stay there.

Of course, this is only a general trend, yet it is in line with our ancient apelike bioanthropology. The female of the species nested; the male of the species liked to visit nests.

However, our sapient human behavior is different than out instinctual ape behavior, though perhaps just as subconsciously acted upon. Let us remove what seem to be stereotypical generalities and reconsider the couch/bed tags.

An invitation to a comfortable bed is an invitation to sleep in it and, with regards to mating, an invitation to nest. An invitation to a nice make-out couch is an invitation only to fuck.

Both sexes may have nice couches and nice beds, or perhaps only one of each, or perhaps neither. Yet the tags remain clear. The eighteen foot black leather sectional brings to mind imagery of a person that likes stewies, Burt Bacharach, red meat, and Scotch. The cosseting bed brings to mind imagery of Sundays spent in it reading the paper, falling asleep on a shoulder, cuddling, and children leaping on it in excitement for a trip to the zoo. In this case, the couch sounds like a swinger and the bed sounds like a parent.

Winding up at your date’s place is now a research outing, instead of winding up there because you’re slutty. Look at your own furniture before you go out. By matching your date’s make-out location preference to your own you stand a much better chance of finding an appropriate partner, whatever your preference.