Bitch Kitty Racing

Dear John,

What’s the difference between tequila and mezcal?

Andrew, Minneapolis

Andrew,

Firstly, thank you for all the good-looking exports you’ve been sending to Seattle! On top of that, you people are all so nice! You’re like Seattlites without all the flakiness and posing. Send more Minneapoleans over here, or whatever you call yourselves. We like them. Hopefully more actual urbanites will displace the urban hipsters pouring in from the uglier suburbs and small towns of the less-attractive states. On to your question:

Ah! Mezcal, my Mejicana amor! My trusted confidante! My father confessor! My lover in times of loneliness! Mezcal’s creamy body and smoky silkiness wash over the tongue, always sipped, never slugged. Let the passionless gringos thoughtlessly gulp their drinks like they thoughtlessly gulp everything else. We of the hotter Latin blood savor our mezcal as we savor life.

Enough of that.

Tequila is a distillate of the agave plant that is produced in the Tequila region of Jalisco, Mexico. “Tequila” is a geographic designation in very much the same way the sparkling white wine will only rightly be called champagne if it’s produced in the Champagne region of France, and bourbon will only rightly be called Bourbon if it’s produced in a region where it’s okay to marry your sister. So tequila is a kind of mezcal, but not all mezcal cannot rightly be called tequila.

So Mezcal is tequila produced outside of Tequila. Unlike tequila though, mezcal can be purchased con gusano, with worm, or con escorpion, with scorpion. The worm is actually a flavor enhancing caterpillar that’s been toasted util its legs are gone. It imparts a mellow, smoky flavor to the liquor. It isn’t necessary, but it does add a nice note. The scorpion is an utterly stupid marketing gimmick designed to make frat boys yell, “Dude! It’s got a fuckin’ SCORPION in it! Dude, that’s motherfuckin’ GANGSTA! WHOOOO!” Perhaps they’ll next package mezcal con escorpion with a Girls Gone Wild video so the boys can make a complete night of it.

Interesting historical coincidence: it’s fairly common knowledge that tequila and mezcal are made from the agave plant, which is actually a kind of lily rather than a true cactus. What is not so widely known is that that agave is named for mythological Queen of Thebes, Agave. This is the cool part: Agave was a Maenad, a female worshipper of Dionysus. Maenads were wild and uncontrollable women who indulged in sex, violence, and intoxication. One would assume the plant was named after the discovery of mezcal, as drunken sex and violence are fairly normal results of a tequila high.

Of course, it’s the dose that makes the poison. It’s not so much that drinking mezcal makes people crazy, as the crazy way people drink mezcal. They shoot it. Shot and a beer. Thereby consuming two drinks in the time it normally takes to consume one. Of course they’re drunk! Of course they’re going to have a tounge-shavingly perniciouos hangover in the morning. But rather than slow down, the average mezcal drinker’s skewed judgement thinks more mezcal is a good idea. It isn’t. More mezcal will undoubtedly result in irascible behavior, bowing before porcelain idols, and missing pants. If you’re the dangerous sort and drink mezcal because it’s a dangerous man’s drink, remember that everyone around you associates leather pants with bears.

A hint for enhancing the flavor of mezcal for the lick-shoot-squeeze crowd: sea salt. Regular table salt is too salty and overloads the tastebuds. Sea salt has a nice mellowness that brings out the nuances of the liquor. It also mingles nicely with the natural flavor of your lover if you’re going to do body shots. Also, organic yellow limes, though ugly, have a sweetness that doesn’t exist in chemically ripened fruit.

Enjoy licking the salty goodness!

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