Bitch Kitty Racing

I work as a bartender, and every person needs to read this. I will start with how to order, continue with how to tip in most situations, and finish with some basic bar etiquette. By following this advice you will become a favorite of the bar staff, be treated with respect, and get free drinks. You will get more drunk for less money.

Ready?

How to Order: The Commandments

1. THE GOLDEN RULE: I am going to card you. Have it out and ready no matter what. Everything I own in this world depends on you HAVING PROOF OF AGE. I do not care how old you are. If I do not card you I will lose my job, my apartment, my car, my girlfriend, etc. The only people who object to being carded are VERY inexperienced young people, i.e. idiots. If you give me a hard time about ID, you WILL suffer for a very long time. I do not want to card you; I HAVE TO card you.
2. Get off the phone, and I mean NOW! Otherwise you are going to get royally screwed, if I even talk to you. I am going to short pour you, overcharge you, make fun of you, tell you to your face what a complete moron you are, etc. You’re not paying attention, and every person around me thinks my behavior is justified.
3. Know what you want before you talk to me. Please. I’m slammed, and you’re saying, “Oh my God, Missy! What do I want? What’re you having? Oooh, look at that boy! I don’t know . . . Give me a minute.” Screw you. Get out of line, and let the poor thirtsy bastards behind you get a drink. You are a stupid attention whore, and nothing but. Get therapy, get Prozac, get bent.
4. Do not ever, and I mean EVER, ask me what my cheapest beer is! What kind of a total moron are you? You are saying: “I’m a cheap bastard!” Oh, yeah, you I want to deal with. No tip for me, and with you buying three dollar pints, no money for the bar. I really don’t care if you order the cheapest thing on the menu, just don’t advertise the fact that you suck so badly that you can’t pay an extra dollar for the good stuff. That’s like walking into a grade school and announcing you are a sex offender. What kind of attention do you want?
5. Be polite, but to the point. Ready? “May I please have a Jack and Coke.” That’s all I need to know. Period. If you say, “Gimme a Jack and Coke,” I’m not going to like you. Even if it’s only subconscious, I’m going to short pour you because I know in advance that you are a lousy tipper. If I don’t know you, please do not call me Chief, Dogg, Sport, Boss or Slick. It’s very impolite, and all I’m thinking is, “Die.” Not a good way to get a good drink. And do NOT small talk me, or ask me how I’m doing (you don’t care, and I’m going to lie), or make demands for the local sports game without minimal pleasantries first.
6. Be friendly without being too familiar, or even very lightly flirt with a bartender of the opposite sex. You have no idea how much impact a smiling, open face has on a bartender dealing with angry drunks all night. We get treated disrespectfully by many customers and you were just charming. Huge rewards for you. For you nice folks I advise as politely as possible, and with respect, don’t waste too much of my time. I love you almost as much as money. More importantly, I remember you. I will try to treat you well in return. You rock! This is a VERY important rule, and combines will with:

How To Tip

The general rule in neighborhood Seattle bars is one dollar per drink. This means if you order five Washington Apple shots for you and your friends you leave me five bucks. It’s great, the bartender makes lots of money this way, he will not skip you in line. This is the adequate tip. Get it? Adequate. If you do this, your bartender will come to know and love you. You will be treated well enough.

Would you like better service? What about a stiffer drink or even a free round now and again? Tip more! Sounds really easy, but it’s true. If you leave me two dollars per drink, I will get to know you much faster. Think about it. Five shots is ten dollars for me. Or even just more than one dollar per drink, really. The price difference to you is about one drink, but over time you will be more than amply rewarded in freebies, better and faster service. In all seriousness, it’s only a dollar. That’s a very small amount to pay for the bartender asking what you’d like when you are clearly at the back of the line.

Want to be treated like a rock star? Tip fifty percent every time. Or more. Your tab is ten dollars for two drinks. Leave a twenty. You have no idea what an effect this has on my greedy little mind. I will make every effort to remember you, and your drinks are going to be huge. I will make every effort to get you as drunk as you want to be as cheaply as possible. Those tiny little drinks everyone else has? Not you, you are the person who pays my rent and bought me my car. I will give you everything you want in mass quantities. Your date will get specialized muddled drinks that I would never make for anyone else, with sixteen times the booze so your wallet gets away intact.

THIS IS IMPORTANT! LET ME KNOW IF I CAN MAKE THIS CLEARER! Do you all see the pattern here? The more you tip, the cheaper everything will get for you. That poor fool at the end of the bar drinking five well gins at four bucks a pop is a sap. You, on the other hand, will have five overpoured premium drinks and only pay for three or four. His tab will be twenty dollars; his total with tip is twenty-five. Your total will be sixteen dollars; you leave me thirty. For five extra dollars you are having the night of your life while the sap complains about watered down drinks.

One major corollary here: do not EVER bring up how well you tip me. This means you are an asshole and will be treated as such. Only pretend gangsters (both pseudo-mafia and suburban thugs) bring this up. Deal? Okay.

The genral rule for free drinks is that you tip the purchase price of the drink. You order a vodka soda which you know to be five dollars. I say, “I’ve got this round,” or it doesn’t show up on your bill. You leave me five dollars tip on that drink. Instead of paying six dollars for the drink with tip, you only paid five. You just saved a dollar! Get it? Cheaper, every time. You win, I win.

Do not leave me coins, or tell me you’ll get me next time. These actions ensure that I am going to short pour your next drink, if I deign to pour it at all. You are going to wait longer, no matter what. Count on it.

Lastly, your winning smile and the boobs you flash are not a tip. Flirting is not a tip. A tip is money and only money. Your cleavage does not pay my rent. If you smile, flirt, show cleavage, and TIP WELL I will treat you like the goddess you are. If you do the first three and neglect the fourth you are a slutty skank. Expect to be treated as such.

How to Treat the Bar Staff

Simple and easy.

If you are male, do not flirt with the cocktail waitress unless she flirts with you first. She cannot tell you what an fat pig you are and expect to get tipped. If you flirt with her and she doesn’t like you (which is 99% of the time, no matter what you think you are) she can’t go away. She has to take it. I really need all of you out there to understand that this is some wierd but legal form of sexual assault. If you touch her or comment on her body it IS sexual assault. The kind you can be expelled from the bar for, the kind you kind be severly beaten by the bouncers for, the kind you can be arrested for. Be friendly and polite, but no more. If she likes you and wants to meet you, she’ll let you know. You will have a much greater chance of talking to her by using this method than by telling her what a nice rack she has. She’ll think you’re a nice guy. You can prove otherwise later.

Do not be a drunk. You can be drunk, but keep it under control. It is illegal for you to be disruptive or disorderly in a bar. ILLEGAL. I can lose my license to tend bar, the bar can lose its license to sell liquor. If we tell you you are being too loud, shut the fuck up! Please tell your brain to remember this the next time you are drunk. Please!

The slightest bit of respect and understanding is all any bar staff requires. Is it busy? Expect to wait, and know that if you’re polite about the wait time it will be reduced next time, because we like you. Say please, say thank you. So nice to hear!

Did I just mess up your drink? Do not tell me what you ordered, tell me what the problem is. Do not tell me, “I ordered whiskey!” Say, “Excuse me, I’m sorry, but I think this is scotch but I thought I ordered bourbon.” The first approach will ensure that I hate you. The second approach makes me want to buy you a drink to make things right for you. Is there tonic in your drink instead of soda? “Excuse me, I’m sorry, but I think this might be tonic instead of soda.” You are taking a do-not-want-to-offend stance with this line. I will do what I can to make it better.

Do you think your drink is weak? Be polite, be respectful, and know that the bartender might not agree with you. If you are of the opposite sex, fire up the semi-flirty charm! If you smile and are charming, no matter your sex, I will try to be cool about your complaint. If you are demanding, I will simply charge you for a double.

The bartender is always right. This is his bar, no matter who owns it. It is his responsibility. It is his financial well-being. If something goes wrong, it can be his financial ruin NO MATTER WHO OWNS THE BAR! The bartender is legally responsible for every drunk idiot who comes in and leaves. If one of his customers injures or kills someone, the bartender can be successfully sued and lose everything. This really happens, folks. This is actual case law.

I am totally responsible for your drunk ass, and I hate you for it. Will you please be polite and try to be respectful? Not “Sir,” but simply “please” and “thank you.” Wait when I’m busy.

When walking into any strange bar, please ask the bartender if there is table service. If there is, go sit down and wait for the cocktailer. He or she will make no money if you are ordering from the bar all night, and you will be ignored on any return visit.

If you camp, if you take up a seat in a bar for an extended period of time, if you sit for hours and hours (it is common to see people sit and drink for a bartender’s entire shift!), over tip. And I mean fatty fatty fat fat fat. You are sitting on the server’s rent check, taking up his or her ability to make tips off the people who could be sitting in that seat. If you don’t tip well in this situation, you will pay more and get less on any return visit.

If you are refused alcohol service the best thing to do is leave the bar. Preferably quickly and quietly. If things go spectacularly wrong and you are asked to leave, the best thing to do is leave the bar. Preferably quickly and quietly. If you have no idea why these inhuman monsters are treating you so unfairly and calling you names, the best thing to do is leave the bar. Preferably quickly and quietly. Failure to leave quickly and quietly can and eventually will involve physical expulsion or removal by the police.

Finally, if you are being escorted or physically expelled out of the establishment by a member of the bar staff, the absolutely last thing you want to say is: “If you touch me I’ll kill you!” Many states have no battery laws, only assault, and the words “I’ll kill you!” constitute a very serious threat (no one cares what words came before the threat). This means that the staff member can physically defend him- or herself. Hopefully your escort is of a good nature and will realize that you are just an idiot and not actually dangerous. Hopefully he or she won’t just rush you and push you towards the door as hard as possible, maybe causing you to impact things like tables, walls, railings, doors or windows. That would hurt.

How to Act in a Bar

Remember that you have been drinking. You’re paying money for the pleasure of being intoxicated. You have an altered mind state. You are not yourself.

Everything you do is now compromised. Every thought you have is a lie. That person you’re flirting with is not that cute. You are not at all attractive. The worst sin of all is that of unwanted attention. You, being loaded, think that girl wants you to talk to her. You’re wrong. She thinks you’re an idiot. YOU MUST REMEMBER THIS NO MATTER HOW DRUNK YOU ARE.

Do not EVER attempt to flirt or try to have sex with people you don’t know. I watch stupid people who drunkenly think they’re attractive or charming shamelessly hit on everything that moves every single night. And it pretty much all men doing it to women. Guys, LEAVE THEM ALONE. If you want to try, try from a distance.

If you’re going to flirt, be respectful, Take a refusal as such, and go away. Please remember that your target is probably drunk too, and that her judgement is just as screwed up as yours is. Go away, do not press the matter, do not call her names. Go away and keep your pride. There are plenty more fish in the sea.

Remember at all times that the kind of person who will go home with a stranger met in a bar is the kind of person who might be carrying HPV, the virus that causes genital warts and cervical cancer; HSV, the virus that causes herpes; or HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. This is the year 2005 and these are the facts: 70-80 percent of the human population carries or is infected with HPV. 30 percent of the sexually active American population carries or is infected with HSV. .03 percent (three in one thousand) of the US population carries or is infected with HIV. Sexy!

What happens between consenting adults is no one’s business but their own, and that does include what happens when they’re drunk. But most people have had an experience like waking up in a strange bed and wondering if that large sex toy on the nightstand is the reason for that strange pain. Or worse, wondering why the condoms on the nightstand are unopened. These scary feelings are often accompanied by hairy teeth, light sensitive eyes, a cold sweaty headache, and vomiting. Screw all the strangers you want; it’s your right to do so with all who consent. Alcohol, however, really distorts the desirability of most people.

If you can’t remember all this because you’re too drunk, just remember that the better you treat us the better we’ll treat you. Or at least remember not to be a complete asshole and make us want to run you into tables, walls, railings, doors or windows. That would hurt.