Bitch Kitty Racing

As it turns out, life is more fun than most people ever thought. There is a line in the movie Auntie Mame: “Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death!” In order to help others feast at the table, Bitch Kitty Racing is planning a “bathtub filled with Jell-O” photo shoot.

In order to produce a bathtub filled with jello many questions must be answered, but the main one is this: what color? Ninety percent of the adult population polled will say green, but there are those who prefer red. However, there is something about green that has an fun verbal ring to it. Say it out loud: “I have a kiddie pool filled with lime jello. Interested?” What a great date idea! “I have a kiddie pool filled with cherry jello” somehow sounds, well, smokingly sexy. Go to a mirror and see which word you look sexier saying, lime or cherry.

Try it.

You see? Spoken aloud, lime is fun and wrestling and kissing everywhere. Cherry starts out that way but quickly escalates to right-there-on-the-kitchen-table, screaming and pounding sex, the kind that you giggle to yourself about all the next day. Lime is naughty fun, cherry is bad fun.

It could also greatly depend on the gender of the person saying the word. One would wager that a man saying either word in a mirror is thinking of a woman saying it to him, and a woman vice-versa (though it may also be that the same woman is thinking of seduction. Men think of seduction, they’re just not very good at it. Too eager). Lime is fun, cherry is exciting.

The actual color is also a visual stimulant. A woman in a red dress is thought of as racy. Ferrari racing cars are usually red. Blood and lipstick are red. The heart is always portrayed as red. A woman reaching reproductive age menstruates red. The color red invigorates our pulse, causes our nostrils to flare slightly, increases the depth of our breath. Green is for British sports cars, growth, life, viriditas. We did not evolve as gatherers, but as scavengers, then hunters. We respond gutturally to red, we want to kill it. Sexually, red indicates readiness. We respond gutturally to that as well.

The color choice for the magazine will be green to symbolize fun and life. As the darkness of Winter rapidly approaches, we need more fun in our lives. It might not be a bad idea to have a stock of cherry on hand at home, though, just in case.

Photo Shoot: Jell-O