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Keith's Visit, Days 0-1
I woke up a bit surprised, perhaps at the slight loss of memory as to the actual events of the evening. One pint had turned into two at the first pub, then there were two more at the bar with the really cute cocktail waitress down the street, then there was this restaurant had no food but did have this weird Italian beer, then there was that place that was doing karaoke so we had only had a quick one before running screaming out into the night, then there was this sidewalk hotdog stand that served cans of domestic lager under the sunny warmth of an overhead heat lamp…
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Internet Dating—The Game Show
Anyone who can get real information from of a dozen lines of text in an ad on an internet dating site should consider starting a side business as an FBI profiler. My experience with internet dating ended up being a lot like a surreal game show, complete with a slick-haired smiling host and a loud buzzer that tells you that you’ve got it all wrong again.
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Internet Dating—Profile Writing for Men
A recent foray into internet dating led me to the conclusion that some men need help sharing themselves with the world. Here are some simple tips to get the viewer through your profile with a minimum of revulsion, snickering, and embarrassment.
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The Bitch Kitty Records Manifesto
We, the music lovers of the world, don’t have to listen to your schlock any longer. Many of our favorite bands don’t even have labels. Yes, that’s right, the internet has blown your prison all to hell! We, the blue-haired new wave faggots of the world, have won. Go pound yourselves.
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How to Survive the Industry
Keep your personal life out of your workplace, just like any other profession on the planet. If you do that you’ll have to maintain an outside support network, you’ll have to have a life outside of work. This is called “healthy.”
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¡Mezcal, Ay Caramba!
Maenads were wild and uncontrollable women who indulged in sex, violence, and intoxication. One would assume agave was named after the discovery of mezcal, as drunken sex and violence are fairly normal results of a tequila high.
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Why Older Men Date Younger Women
Suddenly I was dating a younger woman and it was exactly what I needed, it was simple and easy because I was able to keep my emotional distance. Everyone knows that people want different things at different times in their lives, and everyone knows that a twenty-two year-old girl is not ready to settle down, and everyone knows that these affairs should be as brief as possible, and everyone knows that at the first sign of attachment you turn around, walk away, and don’t look back.
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How to Break Up
So you’ve recently broken up with your lover. We here at Bitch Kitty Racing express our deepest sympathy for you. We know how much it hurts. To help you through this troubled and temporary time, we have compiled a few real-world tips.
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The Arrogant Miner
His ability was great. A small explosive deftly placed, he lit the fuse. He was tough. He could take a little pain. Look at his scars!
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Dear Mini and BMW USA
It’s like repairing a ceiling after water has dripped through it from a leaky pipe without fixing the leaky pipe.
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Snack Cakes Redux
When you date an older guy it’s like dating a man from a foreign country. No matter how strange what you do is, the foreign guy just blames it on the fact that you’re American, and the older guy just blames it on the fact that you’re twenty-two.
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Cheating
Everyone over the age of six knows that you do not cheat on your lover. That’s the tricky monkey part of us that we’ve kept on which society is founded: we have evolved into monogamous creatures. Our tricky monkey selves protect our nests and our spouses. We do not cheat because the survival of the species depends on fidelity.
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Moscatini
Yet another Martini variation from your friends at Bitch Kitty Racing. It’s a touch on the sweet side from the moscato, but so deliciously unique you’ll feel like the offspring of Martha Stewart and James Bond.
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So You’re 21 ...
Congratulations! You made it! There is something you should know before you enter a bar, however, to ensure that your transition to American adulthood is as painless as possible for yourself and those around you.
Ready? Here it is: everyone hates you.
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No More Mango!
Enough mango, already! No more sickly sweet and syrupy cocktails designed to get Buffy the sorority girl to open her wallet wide and say, “Ahhhh!” There is no way we would ever have corn syrup, artificial colors and flavors in our food. Why in God’s name would we drink it?
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Suspension of Disbelief
You have to trust your betrothed with your heart and family until you die, and this in a society that won’t talk to strangers, doesn’t take checks, and x-rays shoes, not to mention offers criminal background checks over the internet for $19.99.
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Internal Arguments
I was in a crowded Friday night bar watching the mating game play out and taking notes when I spied a very odd threesome sitting at a tale just within earshot. I had to stare without staring; they were so strange looking! If I thought it was possible I would swear to you that what I saw sitting at that table, sharing a bottle of Absinthe, was a brain holding two leashes, attached to which were a heart on crutches and a libido that kept swiveling its head and looking at every woman in the place. They were in agitated conversation, and every so often the brain would jerk the leads. When I listened more closely, I could hear that they were discussing the very thoughts that wafted in the periptery of my head.
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The Business of Booze
It’s often not what is in a cocktail, but what is absent that makes it perfect.
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Summertini
It’s hot! 97 in Paris, 91 in Zurich, 90 in Hong Kong, and 89 here in Seattle. It’s far too sultry for the traditional Martini, so we crafted a variation.
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Google Ads
All offending words removed, we tried again. All that was left, as John put it, were
two canine terms, two mild oaths, one prostitute, one religious reference, and a donkey. Not so bad.
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Nesting
One would assume that no one would buy a bed specifically for sex, or that Bitch Kitty Racing readers limit their sexual activities to the bedroom. Certainly not. That’s why they invented the kitchen table.
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Hammer and Tongs
I didn’t know if the cat would taste good if he died when he was this ill. I keep an extra large stewpot around for the day that one of us finally succeeds in killing the other. If I win, it’s Chat au Vin. If he wins, I’m sure I’m Homme Bourguignon, if he even bothers to cook me. I imagine I’ll just wake up one night to the sight of him thrashing around the bed, gulping my guts like an orca eating a seal.
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2006 Chrysler PT Cruiser, Touring Edition
Then the magic happened. The car just totally came alive, completely in its element, cruising through the country with a big black lab, dog toys, picnic supplies, good friends, music up, windows down, and endless scenery.
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Le Mans Crush
She’s pretty, one of the finest-looking race cars I have ever laid eyes on, but being pretty gets you nowhere with me. It’s the fact that she’s tough as dirt that makes me love her.
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Drifting
My Mustang took corners in drift mode and at every straight I was doing over 100. I felt safe in my car and knew it would get me out of there alive. I believe the mountain had a brief burp of activity about two weeks later. Hell, I would have been to China by then at the rate I was going.
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Dear General
It’s like you’re lost again, or living behind a wall built in the 1950’s where American cars were king and the only brands available, because we had just nuked or firebombed the competition out of existence.
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Snack Cakes
For men, it’s a bit different. In polite society, we’re not allowed to lust after women too many years younger than us. Apparently it makes us perverted somehow, or shrinks our egos, or means we’re unable to have a relationship with someone our own age.
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The Show
There are several types of bartenders, but as this is my show let's concentrate on me. I am a tyrannical drunken asshole. -
Dutch Treat and Mate Selection
If Elaine were a 1906 kind of gal, David would bring home the bacon and she would fry it up in a pan. In the year 2006, this is ludicrous.
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Strange Brunette in my Bed
I hope I don’t get fleas or anything. Sleeping with strangers and all, you know. You’ve got to be careful these days.
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